Jokes & Funny Stories | Perth Media WA

Humour Page 5

A little boy found a bottle of turpentine in his garage. He asked his dad what it was and his dad said it was the most powerful liquid in the world. While walking down the road a preacher stopped the boy and asked him what he was carrying . The boy told him it was the most powerful liquid in the world. The preacher said, "You must be mistaken because the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." He said, "If you take holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach she will pass a baby boy." The little boy said, "Oh yeah. Well, if you take this turpentine and rub it on a cats rear it will pass a motorcycle.

Men / Women- The Difference

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man, of the woman who he didn't.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, Before marriage and After marriage.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy .One is to let her think she is having her own way, And the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy:" You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 150 pounds in one day I divorced her." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A BLOKE

(Not all of these are actually true, but it's the accumulation that counts)
A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
Queues for the bathroom don't exist
You can open all your own jars
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
You can go to the bathroom without a support group
When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
Nobody wonders if you swallow
You never have to clean a toilet
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend
You don't have to shave below your neck
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
You can write your name in the snow
Biological clock?
Chocolate is just another snack
Flowers fix everything
You never have to worry about other people's feelings
Reverse parking is easy
Foreplay is optional
Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe
Understanding football or rugby
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you
You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
The whole world is your urinal
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
One mood, all the time
Same work, more pay!
Grey hair and wrinkles add character
The remote control is yours and yours alone
No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is
Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it
Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice anything different?"
Farts are funny
Baywatch
Yes Jeremy Clarkson is a sexist pig. But it's ok, he's a funny sexist pig.
You don't have to keep any Simply Red, M People or compilations called names like 'All 100% Woman' in the car.
Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong I'm certainly not telling you."
Your mates never say "Talk to me"
Your mates never say "What's offside?"
You can still talk to your mate about sex after knowing him for more than three years.
Life will go on if the bed sheets don't get changed once in a while.
Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt that says "I have a beer belly".

You know you worked in an office in the 90's if ...

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different organisations.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on the ABC.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher
than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your section is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You're already late on the work task you just got.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Your supervisors' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
You read this entire list and understood it.
"Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place."
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkups, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.

Famous Quotes

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.* Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But then you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.* Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.* George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.* Carol Leifer
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.* Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.* Johnny Carson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.* Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?* John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.* Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.* Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.* Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.* Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.* Lynda Montgomery

Faith in a good hearted woman

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates a they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look art the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. this gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,: and take into account the fact that I have not succeeded in doing so, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.